I could have put on makeup; did my hair all super cute and got myself all glam’d out and took the perfect picture of myself or had someone take the perfect picture of me. Then wrote a post and pushed the publish button and be done with my blog until tomorrow or the next day when I wrote another post.
I decided to be so real and so transparent today this is why I took this picture bare face, hair down, big sweater on, with little to no expression on my face because this is how I’m feeling today and this is how I’ve been feeling for a while. What I am able to do is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done before. I m a very private person and sharing my feelings and emotions are not something I do at all. But I am doing it today. Why you wonder if you even care? Well my why is because I am using my blog as my platform!!
I suffer from depression bad and I have pretty much my whole life. The first time I experienced this feeling was when I was 12 years old. On my 12th birthday at my first and only ever birthday party I tried committing suicide. From that day I’ve been battling this disease with no help at first then I got medical treatment but for the last 5-6 years I’ve been on my own no medical help no medicine.
It’s hard to stay happy and positive and pretending to have your shit together; like everything is great and your life is all good. Especially when someone ask hey how’s things going or how’s your business or so what have you been up to lately. I lie and pretend and act but I’m tried, I’m sad, I’m depressed, I’m stressed out, I’m frustrated, I don’t know where money is coming from to pay my bills, pay my rent, not answering the phone because it is another bill calling to get paid.
When I pictured my life at 43 this wasn’t my life. I just knew I would successful, no money problems, great life and lifestyle. Owner of a very successful and thriving business. Two years from being a millionaire and having a household nationally and internationally known business. My passion has always been to help and empower people mostly women through the use of my image and beauty experience and knowledge. This was the gift that I was given by the universe!!
My dreams feel non existent now how can I give my all to help and empower other women when I can’t even help and empower myself. I talk to others but they don’t understand what I’m going through and they judge so I have just keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself trying to deal with things on my own. It’s hard and everyday I want to cry and scream and sometimes die. I want so much more from my life and in my life. Although I have a great husband he just don’t get it and how do you share with someone that has never been through what you have been through how you feel and that you can’t explain the feeling; they look at you like your crazy or lost your mind and frankly that’s exactly what it feels like like your crazy and lost your mind. I don’t want to be judged or treated differently so I don’t share!
I know that there is something special in my and I know I have a story to share because I also know I am not the only one that is going through hard times and feel like most days I’m having a breakdown. So I keep fighting and remember what I’m truly passionate about and that’s providing a space for like minded women going through the same things or similar things in her life that I am or have gone through.
Because of my passion for empowerment I created Beauty without Boundaries this is a place for creative female entrepreneurs to network, share, laugh, cry, grow, have fun, grow their business, grow professionally and personally, and meet other like minded women and not feel judged, be in completions with, and whatever else negative women do to each other. To be surrounded by a group of strong and inspiring women is always great when your trying to do great in your own life.
Well I hope I didn’t turn anyone off by my long ass post but I also hope that I helped someone with my long ass post. Remember you are not alone and if you have ever had a feeling that is to hard to shake for longer then a week with feelings of suicide, loneliness, sadness, etc seek medical help please. I almost made the worst mistake of my life and I don’t want you to do the same as well.
I would love to here from you or anyone that would like to share their thoughts and feelings. Leave a comment below
Look out for my empowerment events coming soon!! Thanks for visiting again follow my blog and comment below. Until next time!!